Aftermath

one of these days i'm going to learn something from all of this...

damn it. i'm not looking forward to that day.

or any day in particular anymore...

i'm really not trying to be just a depressed facet of my life, but people **suck**.

at least for now.

me included.

but enough with that, the main thing i wanted this to be about was what's happened. no hyperbole, lying, no exaggeration either way.

some people really, really hate me now. And for some of those people that's completely understandable. and to most of them I say... well, you know the song better than i do.

also something i learned is that others (actually - no joke!) love me as a friend! and that rocks... only if you know it though. and that's great. and i do.

as for everyone as a whole, 8th grade is tiring. It's hard to split the difference between relaxing away from people and being a depressed "emo" to outsiders at school.

so what the hell, why not be happy :)

To follow in suit

Just a note.

I'm not depressed, confused, or hateful anymore.

i think i've got it all figured out. after all, this age is for learning above all things, right?

all in all, i'm sorry for what i did. i always have been.

but seriously-

to those who helped, thanks. to those who didn't, thanks *a lot*.

if you can find it in you to move on from the past that'd be nice, but if not i stopped caring.

just leave me the hell alone.

Don't you love it when songs fit what you feel?

My subconscious mind
Has got me in a bind
Your love has made me blind
Let go my ego!

I feel the cold wind blow
It feels like 10 below
I'm feelin' oh, so low
Let go my ego!

I need some recreation
I got some strange sensations
I can't deal with relations

Now my superego
Is sayin' no, no, no
I think I'll listen to some early Brian Eno

I try to keep a lid
On my crazy id
I don't know what I did
Let go my ego!

I'm beginning to lose my patience
I'm feelin' some bad vibrations
Wanna join the United Nations

My psychoanalyst says I have a low self esteem
My psychoanalyst wants to know what I dream
What does it mean?

I just want out alive
I'm trying to survive
It's like a real life game
A' Stratego

I keep hittin' the bomb
And I can't stand calm
I wanna call my mom
Let go my ego!

I need a long vacation
I'm feelin' bad vibrations
I can't deal with relations

My psychoanalyst says I gotta tend my mind
Like a garden, I gotta weed it from time to time

I'm feelin' deep deep blue
I don't know whadda do
Ah, honey, where are you?
Let go my ego!

I got some good advice
But at a heavy price
I try to act real nice
Let go my ego!

(well, not too well, but it's a good song so i felt like it!)

gah.

this is getting rediculous.

everyone seems to expect me to know what they're thinking.

i really can't read minds, (dead)god know's i've tried.

i'm really messing things up, minute-by-minute.

please be nice to me. tell me when something i do offends you.

i don't know why this stuff is happening.

it's disheartening.

grr.

Let's Talk About My Favorite Subject.

I:

Modern Teenage Psychology is a wonderful thing. In fact, it's my favorite thing!

let's talk about archetypes.

they're people!

"perfect" people!

when you hear "__", you think of an archetype.

every group has them. that's what forms group dynamics.

know what I've noticed yours modeled after?

glee.

yep.

nature modeled art modeled nature.

and i... kinda got sucked into that.

when i decided to step into the torrent of society,

i modeled myself after an archetype (look at me being vague!)

and i forgot who i was. i forgot that... among other things... crazy, happy, depressed, needy...

gay...

yeah. all of those are archetypes.

II:

sorry! i lost sight of who i was. taking even a weekend to figure it out really, really helped.

so... just tell me if there's anything i forgot to drop.

have fun, kiddos, hope i didn't ruin... everything...

Like a Rabbit in the Snow

[REDACTED]

one errant step and I fall.

it doesn't help to have you throw the snowballs I made.

The Universe is shaped exactly like the earth

[REDACTED]

I'm tired of it. being called crazy, being crazy, paranoid, "unfixable".

i'm also tired of hating myself.

now that ends.

now i hate you all.

one parting word of advice.

you never can be the Dark center of the universe, but people can make you think you are.